Be Ready When the Sh*t Goes Down - A Survival Guide to the Apocalypse

Wondering why you should purchase this book when there are other titles on the shelves written by much higher-caliber fighters? Well, Forrest Griffin is not as good-looking as those guys. He's not as smart as them. He's also not as athletically endowed. And let's face it, neither are you. Those other fighters are pretty much better than you in every way. But you can actually aspire to be as good as Forrest one day. Why? Because he is nothing special, just like you.

Forrest is not a martial artist. He's a fighter, and this book was written for his kin. If you're a hillbilly like Forrest and you get off on having your face rearranged, Got Fight? is for you. This is a manifesto more strategic than Sun Tzu's The Art of War, more philosophical than Bruce Lee's Tao of Jeet Kune Do, more powerful than a well-lubricated locomotive.

In these pages you will learn about true mental toughness—whether it's scraping it out in the Octagon or picking up chicks. You will learn about the mental defects that made Forrest Griffin into the abomination he is today and how you can use your shortcomings to become equally horrible. You will learn the essential tactics of hand-to-hand combat as well as how to defend yourself in the event of a sword attack. Never been attacked by a sword? You need this book worse that we thought.

Still not convinced? Don't worry. Even if you find that the book sucks, it will be no worse than having sex with Forrest Griffin. You'll feel a small prick and some minor discomfort, and then it will all be over.

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."

"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world. --from the Introduction

Actual reader feedback:

"I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I dont believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist."

"Ill stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. Youre an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you."

Stuffed full of ridiculous stories of bad decisions, debauchery, and sexual recklessness, Assholes Finish First starts where I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell left off, then proceeds to "some next-level shit."

You already know how women react to confidence, game, and vodka, but what happens when you add money and fame to the mix? You get answers to the hard questions you've never thought of asking:

• What's it like to have sex with a midget? What about two midgets?

• What does it do to a man to watch a 19-year-old do wind sprints to sober up, so that she can have sex with you before her twin sister does?

• At what number of virgins does deflowering them stop being fun and start feeling like a job?

• When a girl you met three hours ago decides to tattoo your name on her body, what is the appropriate reaction?

The answers are inside, they are absurd and hilarious, and they are the product of one man's experiences:

When Mötley Crüe was at the height of its fame, there wasn't any drug Nikki Sixx wouldn't do. He spent days -- sometimes alone, sometimes with other addicts, friends, and lovers -- in a coke and heroin-fueled daze. The highs were high, and Nikki's journal entries reveal some euphoria and joy. But the lows were lower, often ending with Nikki in his closet, surrounded by drug paraphernalia and wrapped in paranoid delusions.

Here, Nikki shares those diary entries -- some poetic, some scatterbrained, some bizarre -- and reflects on that time. Joining him are Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick Mars, Slash, Rick Nielsen, Bob Rock, and a host of ex-managers, ex-lovers, and more.

Brutally honest, utterly riveting, and shockingly moving, The Heroin Diaries follows Nikki during the year he plunged to rock bottom -- and his courageous decision to pick himself up and start living again.

He is the biggest pay-per-view attraction in the world.
He is "the Baddest Dude on the Planet."
He is Brock Lesnar.

For countless fans of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, Brock Lesnar has long been known for his freakish athleticism, mind-blowing speed, and meteoric rise to the top. Yet despite the fame and fortune that have come with his enormous success, Brock has shunned the media, choosing instead to remain intensely private about his life and his accomplishments.

Now, for the first time, he tells his remarkable story in his own words, describing the journey from his South Dakota farmboy roots to becoming the most popular pay-per-view attraction in the world. From the small-town amateur wrestling where he honed his skills to taking on The Rock at SummerSlam, Brock discusses how his natural athletic talent combined with the dark side of the wrestling business to make him the youngest-ever WWE World Champion.

Epic as it was, Brock's overnight rise to fame came with a price, as he saw firsthand the toll that life on the road and in the ring could take on a pro wrestler's body and mind. Weary of the punishing lifestyle and backstabbing politics, he chose to do the unthinkable: walk away from professional wrestling at the peak of his career and break all ties with the organization that made him a star on the global stage. It was a move that stunned WWE executives and fans alike, and one that Brock himself has never fully explained—until now.

Not one to stay quiet for long, Brock was soon back in the spotlight: this time in the UFC—home of the most dangerous mixed martial arts fighters in the world. Here he offers a behind-the-scenes look at his shocking decision to leave the wrestling entertainment business for a legitimate combat sport. From training to be a real fighter, to immediately being thrown into the Octagon against the UFC's best heavyweights, to the psychology behind his legendary trash-talking, Brock opens up about what it takes not only to succeed in the world's fastest-growing sport but to become the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World. He also speaks candidly about the illness that nearly killed him, how it changed him as a fighter and a man, and how it shaped his will to survive.

In the end, Brock holds nothing back. A revealing, raw, and ultimately redemptive tale of Brock's determination and domination, DeathClutch is the untold true story of becoming one of life's true champions.

GAME OF THRONES: A NEW ORIGINAL SERIES, NOW ON HBO.

Dubbed “the American Tolkien” by Time magazine, George R. R. Martin has earned international acclaim for his monumental cycle of epic fantasy. Now the #1 New York Times bestselling author delivers the fifth book in his landmark series—as both familiar faces and surprising new forces vie for a foothold in a fragmented empire.
 
A DANCE WITH DRAGONS
A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE: BOOK FIVE
 
In the aftermath of a colossal battle, the future of the Seven Kingdoms hangs in the balance—beset by newly emerging threats from every direction. In the east, Daenerys Targaryen, the last scion of House Targaryen, rules with her three dragons as queen of a city built on dust and death. But Daenerys has thousands of enemies, and many have set out to find her. As they gather, one young man embarks upon his own quest for the queen, with an entirely different goal in mind.

Fleeing from Westeros with a price on his head, Tyrion Lannister, too, is making his way to Daenerys. But his newest allies in this quest are not the rag-tag band they seem, and at their heart lies one who could undo Daenerys’s claim to Westeros forever.

Meanwhile, to the north lies the mammoth Wall of ice and stone—a structure only as strong as those guarding it. There, Jon Snow, 998th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch, will face his greatest challenge. For he has powerful foes not only within the Watch but also beyond, in the land of the creatures of ice.

From all corners, bitter conflicts reignite, intimate betrayals are perpetrated, and a grand cast of outlaws and priests, soldiers and skinchangers, nobles and slaves, will face seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Some will fail, others will grow in the strength of darkness. But in a time of rising restlessness, the tides of destiny and politics will lead inevitably to the greatest dance of all.

Randy Couture wins fights with the seemingly effortless ease with which lesser mortals eat or breathe. He's the only athlete to have held championship titles in both the heavyweight and light heavyweight divisions of the UFC, and he's the only six-time title earner in UFC history.

In Becoming the Natural, Couture tells his story for the first time, beginning with a childhood spent in search of an elusive father figure, followed by the pure adrenaline rush that accompanied his first wrestling bout in grade school. In 1997, at the age of thirty-three, Couture made his UFC debut, defeating two opponents in the heavyweight class and then scoring a TKO victory against Brazilian phenom Vitor Belfort to earn the nickname "The Natural." He won his first heavyweight title that same year. At the age of forty, he defeated five-time defending champion Tito Ortiz for the undisputed light heavyweight title. Couture retired in 2006, only to reemerge the following year and seize the heavyweight championship title once again.

Becoming the Natural is the remarkable story of one of the world's most gifted and dedicated athletes -- a born fighter whose skill and showmanship have helped to lift mixed martial arts out of the shadows and into the mainstream.